But how do we gain self-confidence?  Isn’t it something we’re born with?

This is the classic problem.  It’s either a have or a have-not.  People espouse the “fake it till you make it” when picking up chicks, and I guess that makes sense, but honestly people can tell when you’re just posturing.  Fake confidence, IMO, is less attractive than a bluntly honest lack of confidence.  At least people can relate and empathise with the latter.

The reason most people struggle with self-confidence is because they’re not pursuing what they really want.  They’re pursuing someone else’s goals, trying to live up to someone else’s standards.  They’re following in someone else’s shadow, and it’s hard to live up to someone else’s standards.  They’re constantly asking, “WWJD?” … They’re not confident that they’re doing the right thing or making the right decision, because they’re just following someone else’s plan.  They’re trying to follow someone else’s instructions, and they can never be sure that what they’re doing will please that other person.  They’re following, not listening to themselves!

If you really listen to yourself and feel out exactly what you want, and act on that, self-confidence is not an issue.  It is not even a factor.  Why do you need to be confident?  What does confidence even mean? You’re doing what is natural to you, which is pursuing your higher cause, and the outcome does NOT MATTER.  Self-confidence is a derivative of attachment to outcome.

“If I were more self-confident then I could _____” … “I’m jealous of ____, he’s so self-confident.  I wish I could be like that.” Those two statements are so common, and complete BS.  They’re people focusing on external benchmarks and living with an external locus of control.  That’s their real problem.  Not some unquantifiable lack of self-confidence… what an abstract and nonsense concept.

You want to appear self-confident?  Stop focusing on outcomes and start listening to your body.  Act honestly.  The change has to come from inside.