It’s honestly all about my head I guess, maybe guilt is a big issue for me, but the idea that I could hurt someone that I love is just miserable.  And so I choose to be alone and have one night stands because it just works so much better.  I get that nice feeling that I just dominated some chick, and you can be whoever you want and not be held to personality characteristics you established long ago in the beginning of the relationship. Plus, I’m so flippant that I’ll have sex with a chick and then want her to leave so I can go online to read or do stuff or whatever.  Generally, I just get bored hanging out with one person exclusively for long periods of time.  I don’t mind it with some of my best friends though, so I guess that’s saying that I’m just not good friends with any chicks right now.  There were times in the past when I had great relationships with girls though.

The unfortunate thing is rare times like right when I start thinking about things and wishing I had some smokin hot chick around that I actually had a real connection with.  God, I think it’s time I convinced myself to fall in love with someone again.  It’s been almost 2 years now.

What’s fucking with me is that I read Ciaran’s quitting being a pickup artist thread about how pickup fucked with his head, and how he is completely addicted to that feeling of a fresh conquest.  And god, is he right.  That rush is the most addictive drug in the world.  And I have gone so far down that path, I just don’t know where I stand.  I certainly lost that emotional connection with sex.  Sex to me is a fucking performance.  It’s a show of dominance and the goal is to hear that moaning that tells you that the chick is coming.  If you get it more than once, extra points.  If she screams so loud your roomates hear, triple score.  Honestly, I do think sex is a lot of fun but it just gets boring with the same girl all the time, and I don’t see myself ever reverting to that “sex is a beautiful expression of your love for each other” school of thought.  And the worst part is that now, if I tell a girl I love her, it’s just a ploy to get her to react to me.  I see everything in terms of action-reaction.  I feel like most of my drive in life is disappearing, but that’s a whole other post.  I definitely need to write that post…

Sorry this post and the last one were basically verbal vomit with no structure.  This shit is just here to help me sort out my head.