Self-Destruction in NYC

I guess I’ve been delaying writing this post.  I don’t know.

I hate saying that I miss college, because then I get lumped into that group of people who are dismissed with “Well get used to it, you’re in the ‘real world’ now” or some other horrendous insult to life as we know it.  If you’ve ever said that to anyone, go fuck yourself.  I mean that.

My main complaint is that I hardly ever see my friends now.  I see them on weekends if I’m lucky.  And that’s only some of them, some of the time.  I miss my boy bdot who’s livin in Miami right now.  Law school, the deceptive abductor.

I live with 2 people I hardly know, who are hardly ever here.  I’ve already decided I will never again live with someone I don’t know from real life.  The people you surround yourself with has got to be, like, 80% of your life, at least.

Next, my job is lonely and I don’t speak to anyone when I’m at work.  I sit in a room with a relatively quiet guy and I read the internet.  All day, every day.

I spend extra money to live in a desireable location of manhattan, but I’ve realized that without friends here constantly, and having to wake up so early for work, I don’t usually have the motivation to go out on weekdays.  I might as well be commuting.

In college, I was literally living in a closet, paying $385 a month for rent in one of the shittiest houses I’ve ever seen in real life.  I didn’t have a job, so I kept my weekly budget insanely low.  I ate pasta or food bought in bulk from costco almost every day, and never ordered out.  Almost all my money went towards alcohol, and even then, we did most of our drinking at the house so we didn’t have to buy drinks in the bars (even though the college bars charge like, max $7 a pitcher.  In NYC you usually get a pint for $5 or 6.)

The girls in college were much less attractive.  When I go back there now, I realize how much my standards have raised since moving to NYC, just from passing more hot girls every single day.

I used to have stupid pointless classes where I crammed just to pass the tests.  They have just been replaced by ever-present stupid pointless work assignments to edit excel spreadsheets.  Really, I see no difference here.

I didn’t have my style together in college, either.  I couldn’t justify buying new clothes while I didn’t have a job.  I had to constantly count every dollar, because I was living completely off savings.

I generally didn’t have regular sex in college, I would just grab it where I could find it, one night stands or occasionally a few week stands, whereas I have a steady fuck buddy now that comes over every sunday like clockwork.  This sounds ideal, but I’ve gotten bored of the repetition.

Women hardly respect a college kid, either.  They would shit test me every time, asking how old I was, asking what I did for a living, easily being able to tell that I wasn’t very adult.  Still, I knew how to avoid this conversation, and I showed them how adult I was later that night.

Despite all these things that make college sound less desireable, I can do nothing but miss it.  Everyone was happy.  People talk about having money as if it really improves their daily life.  For me, I don’t give a fuck about money.  I just want my best friends.  We’ll figure the rest out from there.

I feel a vacuum in my chest as I write this.  I feel completely empty.  I look fantastic on paper.  My family could not be happier to tell people about me, seriously.  Meanwhile, I am scrambling for the exit door.

I will gladly give up all of these stupid accomplishments if I can get my friends back, and not have to work for someone else.  Working for someone else is the most demoralizing thing.  Loneliness is far worse.

Every day in college was a free, wild adventure.  It wasn’t very expensive at all, if you don’t count the money wasted on pointless tuition.  Classes that taught me nothing.  My friends were my classroom.  We taught each other, and we grew together.  And then graduation came, and the next stage in life.  I thought I’d make friends at work and the city would be wild and I’d get wrapped up in my new life and everything would be fine.

Wrong. 5 months I’ve been working and all I’ve accomplished is lowering my expectations for happiness in my life.

The first few months were the worst.  This is because I was used to having fun every day, and living a happy life.  Not just a happy weekend.  My body’s adjusted to being unhappy from Monday 9am through Friday 5pm.  My expectations have lowered, and so my emotional swings have decreased.

I’m waging a full war in my mind right now.  I’m hanging on to my happier mindset, keeping it locked tightly in a corner in the hope that I can escape one day from this terrible situation and release it once again to roam free amongst the winding creases of my brain.  I am protecting it, so that I can switch it on or off.  I refuse to operate it at less than full capacity.  This makes my current days worse, but it gives me hope for restoration.

You could say that I’m not trying to make this work, and so it was doomed from the start.  And I’d agree with you.  But to be gradually sucked into this 9-5 lifestyle sounds like the worst thing I could possibly do with my life.  If I ever want to be proud of what I’ve done in my life, I don’t see working mindlessly for a large corporation that sees me as an “FTE” as heading in that direction.  People don’t write books about your average corporate american.  If they do, they’re writing a tragedy.

I’m disgusted at how true the stereotypes are.  I have no respect for people who live their lives so mindlessly.  None.  I despise my co-workers.

I miss my friends.

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corporate america, graduates, grow up, loneliness, miss college, real world