I had crises while at work, but they were much more hopeless, more helpless.  More like just wanting to cry out in desperation as the abyss swallowed me up without any opportunity to free myself or change my course, because there is always work on monday-friday.  There is no way to step back and go, I’d rather do this instead.  No, it’s just you and your owners.  I’ll be recovering from that for a long time.

The problem with working at my awful corporate job was that I lost the spirit to even rise up against what was bothering me and try to change it, because what was bothering me the most was the overarching standard that the company had set and I agreed to without understanding what life would be like living under it.

You can own a shit ton of stuff, but that stuff by itself doesn’t grant you anything.  Money in itself is a system invented by some people to control other people.  Everything in your life that you think matters is really just a stab at gaining attention or acknowledgement or full-blown domination of another person or people.  Movie stars and rock stars and politicians, famous people in general, are some of the most respected people in our society, and that’s because when you see people who can control other people, you respect them and thus join the group of responders.

But really in our social society, all we can accomplish in our lives from an external measure is control over other people.  The only way out of that that I currently see is to become a zen master or asian monk or someone who really doesn’t participate in society to begin with.  I think this is because it’s extremely hard if not impossible to do that.  Simply becaue society is so powerful and the influence of others, whether you agree with them or not, is often crushing.

I do not know the answer to this dilemma.  All I know is that everyone who seeks these important social positions and all the things that people think they want… they could just work on their social skills to achieve the same results.  You don’t have to be rich to bang hot chicks (i.e. have control over) and even the position you achieve at work that seems fixed for the time being will go away eventually, and you will be left wondering what you spent your whole life working for.

I’m bitter.  I hate this.