I had crises while at work, but they were much more hopeless, more helpless.  More like just wanting to cry out in desperation as the abyss swallowed me up without any opportunity to free myself or change my course, because there is always work on monday-friday.  There is no way to step back and go, I’d rather do this instead.  No, it’s just you and your owners.  I’ll be recovering from that for a long time.

The problem with working at my awful corporate job was that I lost the spirit to even rise up against what was bothering me and try to change it, because what was bothering me the most was the overarching standard that the company had set and I agreed to without understanding what life would be like living under it.

You can own a shit ton of stuff, but that stuff by itself doesn’t grant you anything.  Money in itself is a system invented by some people to control other people.  Everything in your life that you think matters is really just a stab at gaining attention or acknowledgement or full-blown domination of another person or people.  Movie stars and rock stars and politicians, famous people in general, are some of the most respected people in our society, and that’s because when you see people who can control other people, you respect them and thus join the group of responders.

But really in our social society, all we can accomplish in our lives from an external measure is control over other people.  The only way out of that that I currently see is to become a zen master or asian monk or someone who really doesn’t participate in society to begin with.  I think this is because it’s extremely hard if not impossible to do that.  Simply becaue society is so powerful and the influence of others, whether you agree with them or not, is often crushing.

I do not know the answer to this dilemma.  All I know is that everyone who seeks these important social positions and all the things that people think they want… they could just work on their social skills to achieve the same results.  You don’t have to be rich to bang hot chicks (i.e. have control over) and even the position you achieve at work that seems fixed for the time being will go away eventually, and you will be left wondering what you spent your whole life working for.

I’m bitter.  I hate this.

The big difference for me at work was not allowing myself to bounce back and forth between my favorite blogs all day long, checking email, instant messenger, and all that other bullshit.  I know it’s classic 4 hour workweek to shut all that out while you’re working, but when you have to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day, sometimes it feels like you need to blow an hour or two in useless entertainment.  Of course, that hour or two quickly becomes the whole day and you haven’t written a god damn thing or done hardly anything.

So I’ve gone back to creating to-do lists for every day, and it has a marked effect on my output.  I also noticed that once I’m in that mood of getting things done, it becomes addictive and I want to add more accomplishments to the list.  Now I’m almost restless when I don’t have a task.  Structured life can be very good for you.  Try it tomorrow.

PB Bar & Grill is not really what it sounds like.  You’d probably think it’s just a little bar & grill.  No.  It is the ultimate party destination.  They have indoor and outdoor bars, a dance floor, $2 coronas, $2.50 vodka red bulls, pool tables, go-go dancers (!), fountains with flames shooting out of them (seriously) … I mean, I’m not fucking kidding, this place was sick.  There was a line down the block, but the line moved pretty quickly.  The chicks were friendly and very hot.  More than anything on my trip to san diego, I fell in love with this place.

I’m going to try my hardest to move to warmer weather before next winter, because this winter has been awfully rough.  And right now, Pacific Beach is the top contender.  Having a house on or near that strip would mean a beach and many amazing bars are within close walking distance.  Pulling chicks from those bars would be a cakewalk, and the party goes on every night of the week.

Going to San Diego made me re-evaluate my life priorities.  I realized that all I’d need there is a modest income, and with the beach, women, warm weather and such friendly people, my life would be truly pleasant.  I’m doing it, ladies and gentlemen.  I’m not sure of the details right now, but I will be warm next year.

Sometimes I think I just hate people.

All the time I hear people say how they “used to” do fun things in college, in “the good old days” or some shit, and think about it all wistfully, and then move on with their day.

What the fuck is wrong with these people?  You don’t have to act like a different person just because you’re no longer enrolled in a university.  This is some stupid crap that society has told you, and you just go along with it.

I just don’t understand why people immediately try to turn into their parents as soon as they get a job.  What the hell! Why is it so difficult to find people who are as carefree and retarded as I am?

Just drink a cheap beer for once, you snooty bitch.  No, not a “lager” or “pillsner” or whatever girly shit you call it now.  Drink a fucking beer.  How about a Keystone Light.  Delicious.  I can drink 3 of them in the time you drink one of your women’s beers.  You say it “tastes like water”? I say we drink water on a daily basis, and if I can get alcohol in my water, all the better.  Goes down smooth. Says so right on the can, fag.  I just don’t get why people look at me strangely when I turn down a “vermont IPA” for a pabst blue ribbon.  Give me what I know – beer.

What I really think is ridiculous is that the reason people like these beers is not really for the taste, it’s just marketing.  They think they’re cooler when they can find an unheard of local beer because they can sound like people who drink wine when they talk about their beer.  “It’s an edgy lager with a lingering aftertaste” .. fuck you.  Is it a beer? Do I get drunk?  It doesn’t sound like it from that description.. I’ll pass.

After the first few sips, your mouth cant tell the goddamn difference between one beer from another anyway.  Alcohol makes your tongue go numb.  That’s why drunk people slur.  If you want that classy first beer, fine, then switch to something cheaper for the next beer.  You’ll save some money and stop kidding yourself.

The fact that you drink classy beer and I don’t doesn’t make you better than me.  It just makes you the same as everybody else.  You are competing for status in a consumer culture.  Get over yourself and find something you really enjoy, like cat-calling at strippers or flipping off a 10 year old.  Try it, you won’t believe the liberation.  Oh, sorry, that might get in the way of your next 5% raise or eventual promotion to middle manager.  My ‘B’.

After 3 years of abuse and thinking it would get better once “I paid my dues,” I finally left EY a year ago but the scars still exist. They brain wash and mold you into a certain way of thinking and acting, then you end up becoming a mere shell of your former self. I found myself living for EY at one point… leaving the office at midnight and sleeping a few hours only to get back up and do it all over again. You’d think they would offer more vacation, a nice bonus, overtime pay, or something balance out the horrid experience, but that would be to humane.

Shell of your former self is a great way to put it.  I didn’t think it would get to me like this, but sitting in that environment for at least 8 hours a day is the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.  Read the Big 4 article and join the facebook group.

I’m going on vacation tomorrow, thank fucking god.  But all I’m thinking about is how much worse it’s going to feel when I have to go back.  Fuck my life.

A guy can jerk off if he wants, but the goal should not just be to blow your load.  If you do that very often, you’ll lose control over your orgasm and won’t be able to control it when you’re having sex with a hot chick.  You don’t want to be the one minute man.

So if you’re going to jerk off, it should be like practicing for the real thing.  You should set aside at least 20 mins and get some really awesome porno, and then practice jerking off really awesomely but not blowing your load.  Yea, I just said ‘jerking off really awesomely.’  You can play around with all sorts of shit to make jerking off different, and you more versatile as a sexual partner.  You can vary your breathing patterns, the tension in your body, your “stroke rate” (crew term), etc.  Go to town!  But just like in sports, remember that you play like you practice.

About time I wrote a post about jerking off, for real..

It’s honestly all about my head I guess, maybe guilt is a big issue for me, but the idea that I could hurt someone that I love is just miserable.  And so I choose to be alone and have one night stands because it just works so much better.  I get that nice feeling that I just dominated some chick, and you can be whoever you want and not be held to personality characteristics you established long ago in the beginning of the relationship. Plus, I’m so flippant that I’ll have sex with a chick and then want her to leave so I can go online to read or do stuff or whatever.  Generally, I just get bored hanging out with one person exclusively for long periods of time.  I don’t mind it with some of my best friends though, so I guess that’s saying that I’m just not good friends with any chicks right now.  There were times in the past when I had great relationships with girls though.

The unfortunate thing is rare times like right when I start thinking about things and wishing I had some smokin hot chick around that I actually had a real connection with.  God, I think it’s time I convinced myself to fall in love with someone again.  It’s been almost 2 years now.

What’s fucking with me is that I read Ciaran’s quitting being a pickup artist thread about how pickup fucked with his head, and how he is completely addicted to that feeling of a fresh conquest.  And god, is he right.  That rush is the most addictive drug in the world.  And I have gone so far down that path, I just don’t know where I stand.  I certainly lost that emotional connection with sex.  Sex to me is a fucking performance.  It’s a show of dominance and the goal is to hear that moaning that tells you that the chick is coming.  If you get it more than once, extra points.  If she screams so loud your roomates hear, triple score.  Honestly, I do think sex is a lot of fun but it just gets boring with the same girl all the time, and I don’t see myself ever reverting to that “sex is a beautiful expression of your love for each other” school of thought.  And the worst part is that now, if I tell a girl I love her, it’s just a ploy to get her to react to me.  I see everything in terms of action-reaction.  I feel like most of my drive in life is disappearing, but that’s a whole other post.  I definitely need to write that post…

Sorry this post and the last one were basically verbal vomit with no structure.  This shit is just here to help me sort out my head.

You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

Everyone at my office is a fucking idiot.  If they’re not actually IQ level stupid, then they’re an even bigger idiot for working in that dumb fucking corporate ladder structure where they suck their boss’s nuts all day long.  It’s not a ladder, it’s a fucking circle jerk with everybody’s mouth on each others’ taint. Fuck them.

I will conclude with a song.

A cadillac drives down my street
A bead of sweat pourin slow down a palm line.
I see a bumper sticker
it’s a bearded man with a wanted sign.
A myth we’ve made to scare out fears away
A slogan that we slap on all our misdirected hate
A muddy symbol meant to mitigate our pain
But it’s really just a desert corpse
We’ve painted on the wall out in some cave.

Anyway…
I don’t know where he’s gonna park that thing.

My neighborhood drunk’s on-line at the deli
with his shaky hands and his swollen face he waits for his coffee.
He blacks out curbside every night
and every day crawls back towards wall street.
So I don’t see it like it’s us and them
I just see everybody working for that same eternal weekend
Droning on and on and on and never doing what we wanted
Heavy legs two steps behind some forever dangling carrot.

and I’m tired of this
So who’s to say that we can’t just fucking change it?

and I know it seems dramatic
but I treat it like a crisis
The office to the coffin
All our time and talent wasted
and that weight against your throat
is that a noose dressed like a necklace?

From here I couldn’t really tell the difference
either way I say let’s not take any chances

cause I don’t know where he’s gonna park that thing
Well I don’t know where he’s gonna park that thing
No I don’t know where he’s gonna park that thing

If a man feels awkward saying or doing almost anything, then he is not in the right place in his head.  Tyler Durden talks about “Unstifling” yourself in the blueprint, and let me tell you, he could not be more right.  You cannot ever let the universe weigh you down, dude.  You can’t allow other people to hold you to their expectations.  You have to be a force, man.  A fucking unpredictable, positive train of energy barreling towards the next station.  You need to be out there wreaking havoc, and you need friends who are looking for the same.

You just can’t overestimate the importance of having good friends.  When I lose a really good friend (so far due only to geographical differences, luckily) it’s like a piece of myself is left behind as well.  All those stories and adventures we shared together, the dynamic of our friendship that we’d established, all of it seems no longer accessible.  And it hurts.  And it’s so hard to find replacements.  And new friends take time to develop anyway.

But what I’m getting at is that when you have that environment where your closest, craziest friends are all there fucking stirring it up, that is what it means to be on top of the world.  No amount of money, no title, no flashy car, NOTHING can replace that feeling of reckless abandon shared with your closest of pals.  It’s the greatest thing I know.  And yes, you’ll bang chicks easily when that happens.  Just because the chicks will do anything to remain in the light that your glory shines down upon them.  It is the simplest and most elegant seduction – showing them unbridled waves of emotion, and being the coolest guys they’ve ever met, by FAR.

That is why we dominated every woman we brought into our college house.  That is why we had some of the craziest reputations at Rutgers.  Because we worked so hard to bring the party every single night.  When you create an atmosphere that’s more like girls gone wild than a regular everyday party, girls pick up on it and follow along.  But the key is having friends who all work together to build that environment.  We did not invite boring debbie downers to our apartment.  It was game time all the time, and when it’s game time, you’re either on or off.